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Overwhelmed


So overwhelmed. I feel like I don't know where to start. It's as if the motivation isn't there. For instance, I hate how there are random piles of things on the floor of our bedroom. The piles are all mine - clothes one of the boys outgrew that I haven't sorted, one child's old shoes and a toy that no one plays with, a pile with the other child's class picture still in its envelope and a winning lotto ticket (I think it's 1 1/2 years old). I'm not incapable of cleaning up or doing something with things; I just keep looking and not doing anything. There are a box of family photos under the bed still unframed. It's been almost two years. Maybe it's the idea that if I pick up the lotto ticket, I have to take it to get the money. If I take out the picture, I have to frame it and put it somewhere. And on and on.

I feel like I am letting work down. I left for the surgery right as another colleague was going out to have her baby. It's also crazy busy this time of year. I "promised" to still help with things. I received an email about our new website. I have pictures to edit and post. Just last week, I was at work for 2 1/2 hours. I don't want to do any of it, yet I do. I'm not even doing a good job, though. It's hard to keep doing things on a consistent basis.

I can't blame the boys for being a mess right now. I'm a mess right now! It's no wonder they are just leaving things on the floor and not putting them away when they're done. I'm barely doing that. A hoodie has been on a chair in our bedroom for a month now. I have things to return in the mail that I haven't for almost two months. I feel so scattered and disinterested.

I think flower arranging has become an escape for me. I enjoy it, but it serves no real purpose. I'm just arranging flowers and giving them to people. They probably think it's weird. Some may think I must do nothing but arrange flowers. They probably wonder why I'm not at work already. I don't think I could function well at work right now.

I'm tired so often, too. Sometimes, early in the day, sometimes in the afternoon, and I'm always tired in the evenings.

It's frustrating to feel this way. I find my happiness to be short-lived and fleeting. I know I have things to be happy about, and I find myself focusing on things I'm doing wrong or don't like.

 
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