Hugs and Kisses

I used to not hug and kiss my boys at night when they were already asleep. I don't know why, but I imagine it had to do with my fears - my fears of waking them up, disturbing their peaceful sleep. I did this for a long time. Even if I was gone and they requested I come in for a hug and kiss once I returned, I couldn't do it. I would always tell them I had in the morning, feeling guilty that they believed me.

Basically, for most of my boys' childhoods, I have not given them those requested hugs and kisses.

I give them now. I'm not really sure what changed in me. One night, I came home and David told me our younger son asked for a hug and kiss when I got home. He'd been adamant about it. So, I did it. I went in there and gave my sweet boy a hug and kiss. It was like going in there when I would wake him in the morning or from a nap. I listened to him breathe and watched his sweet pursed lips. I stroked his hair. I went back to our room and felt so happy.

Now I feel a little sad. Writing this makes me sad that I let my fear and anxiety prevent me from relishing in those moments for year. I get sad thinking of all the hugs and kisses I held back. The time I didn't take to demonstrate my love for the boys. I'm glad I go in their rooms late at night now.